If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
