I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
