at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
