hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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