she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
