I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
