two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
