please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
