In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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