I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
