I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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