I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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