I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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