Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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