id be glad to
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
