all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
