her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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