it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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