what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
