Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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