"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
