i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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