She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm jealous of your bromance
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
