I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
