i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
