Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my poor anus
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
