I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
