that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
