WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
These tits shall not be calmed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
