I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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