you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
