You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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