HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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