you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
