Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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