My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
