Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
