I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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