During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
