I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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