These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
