I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So apparently I’m into choking now
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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