do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
