I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
