Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(713): View more from Texas

Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight

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(925): View more from California

just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.

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(914): View more from New York

She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."

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