my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
