I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
