Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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