you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
