note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
